love, love, love
07/21/2018
Kalyn and I were sitting with 7 others in a simple living room and they were very angry. To use one of my many languages that I have acquired over the years: Muy angry. K and I knew the folks, and frankly, we were taken off guard. We had been invited to speak with this leadership team because their community with several other teams were going through a difficult time. We found out that was an understatement. These were friends of our with whom we had worked together over the years.
Give us credit–we are not going to show or tell who the people are…
Sitting in that room they were ready for our attention, and they jumped into explain what had transpired over a few months. They shared their disappointment and hurt through their stories, and then gave us explanations for behavior from their side. As they say in Africa, they were “boiling inside.”
K and I came into their midst with a desire to hear and listen. We knew that we could not pick sides, who was right, and who was wrong, and lose perspective. Our desire was to be a safe place, listen for the Holy Spirit as they shared. We tuned into their personal and collective offence, to look for ways as a group we could receive wisdom for reconciliation. In front of us were mature believers who had been serving missionally in Africa for several years. In conflict.
The leaders in the room “felt” completely disregarded and betrayed by their own oversight leadership team. So much so, that they concluded that their oversight team did not have the same “godly” values and understandings that they had. An “us and them” dynamic had emerged in the conflict. (A side note, most of us have all been there, you and I, just with different faces and issues).
An “us and them” pertained to those who were members of the body of Christ with Jesus as the head. In anger they told us some of the details of what had transpired. As they shared their hurt, knowing who they were, as well as the oversight team, our complete surprise continued. I was baffled. This was significant. Too much time had elapsed. Hurts that are not addressed fester and spread if there is no reconciliation. What was so offensive to them had grown proportinately over the past few months. The grievances of the offended parties piled up. Unfortunately, often we share our offences with others which re-opens the wound and passes it on to others who then carry our hurt. An unexpected and damaging form of viral.
Kalyn and I were listened carefully. Something did not add up. We felt their hurt and frustration but something was missing that we could not put our finger on. We tried to find the missing link that could make sense with what we were hearing. Listening, we kept missing the piece that might provide clarity. Later, we realized the missing link was in the room with us. Not far from any one of us. Camouflaged under Christianeese. Which is language that we are managing our emotions when in truth we are freaking out. The reason I spotted it in the room was because I have had the same difficulty interfering with my relationships in the past as well—even in my marriage.
After we left a three hour meeting with friends who were alienated from other respected leaders, Kalyn and I processed. “What was that?” “Did you hear what I heard?” We were both stunned at the relational hurt between the two groups who have the same Kingdom values. We heard so many angry accusations. When these believers were hurt and reacted, we heard them say, “I love them—but they treated us so awful, and betrayed us.” A silent alarm went off inside of us. “We love them but…” Love? “Love” didn’t seem to fit in anywhere in this tumultuous picture.
We know that believers are suppose to love one another–get this, including our enemies. How do enemies act? Friendly, receptive, appreciative? What kind of behavior does an enemy exhibit? We are told to love the people whom we do not like! Love the unlovely? Love those who speak horribly about us? Love someone who slanders or gossips or ruins my reputation. Seriously? Jesus is very clear and definitive for us to love the most adversarial and troubling person. It is so hard to love people who have hurt us, who have offended us over and over again. With an offended heart it is so hard to love someone.
In our exchange Kalyn and I identified the missing component in the room of alienated believers. Culpability. Which means deserving of some blame or guilt for the problem. In our hurt we do not realize what we may have done. It is completely the other person’s fault because of their bad behavior toward me. In our weaker moments we scream internally, “I did nothing wrong!” In our best moments we may say, “I may have done something–but nothing like what they did!” We don’t own our part in the conflict because we can’t see it. We feel absolutely right in our point of view. We do not see what we did to trigger things. They they they. Our offence hurts so much that we do not have a clear head. Only a hurting heart. But Jesus is after something in us that is crucial for us to get. And this revelation usually comes through painful conflict. He is committed to our heart-change.
Something in each of us keeps us from loving the way Jesus has envisioned for us to love. And how He expects us to love. What we overlook in us is: Selfishness. No mystery here. What has dogged most of us for our entire life. Though we see it more clearly in others. We become more acquainted with selfishness when we get married, and then when we have children. Or when we work closely with friends. Especially with someone who annoys us. Why can’t they just hear my clear, “anointed” explanation? Why are they being so selfish? Thats the first clue: when we call others “selfish,” we are overlooking our own “selfishness” (mine does not seem as bad as theirs). Obviously.
The problem of putting Self first
Sometimes wounded Self kicks Love out of the way, right out the door, so Self can react freely, vent, “be authentic,” “speak the truth in love,” “help someone understand that they are the problem.” What happens is that we couch our hurt, justify our anger, ignore our fuming, and cover our attack with, “I love them but…” Then we fill in the blank with a justification for our behavior. Problem. When we do that, we leave Jesus out of the relationship. We let Self have its way. Self wins this time around.
Jesus does not suggest love for His followers. He commands it. It is evidence that we belong to Him. He does not leave the definition of love up in the air, or for Self to define it. Jesus is clear. He knows how crucial love is for each of His followers, and His church that is made to demonstrate love. We are needy, and completely dependent on divine light and clarity for love to be understood–and appreciated. Jesus gives numerous parables, many teachings, and then He moves among troubling relationships to model “sacrificial” love. Sacrificial. So we are without excuse. Jesus demonstrate love that intentionally sacrifices. We are busted.
Yes, we can hide behind religious words. Use them to cover our hurt. We can even quote Scriptures. Prove our point of view and miss out on knowing the heart of Jesus. The truth is that all of us run up against the challenge of loving someone who is so stinking hard. Too hard; not fair; whine whine. But Jesus knows. He knows that we should, and will, need Him. Jesus commands us to love, and lay our lives down for the unlovely, the mean-spirited, and those that have unfairly and badly used us.
After Kalyn and I spoke to the living room folks about their hurt, their confusion, and their sense of betrayal, we knew Jesus in His wisdom had to show up for each of them. To change our behavior requires revelation. To change our defaults we need to hear a clear, personal word from the Father. Some were too hot to listen to us at that time. Some did rein in their anger, their frustration, and listen to our questions and thoughts that tried to steer them into heart-connect with Jesus over the conflict. Some came through the ordeal with grace and humility and experienced reconciliation. The Jesus way of reconciling a painful relationship starts with going in low. With humility.
At first this is so unnatural. To share something of value to someone who disagrees with me? Really? To treat with respect and encourage someone who has spoken badly about me? Seriously? To speak well of, and bless someone who is awful to me and tries to ruin my life? That is what Jesus wants? To reach out and return kindness to someone who has intentionally hurt me by their behavior? To humble myself to them of all people? Jesus expects me to care for that person?
Jesus defines love, gives examples of that love, then He commands us to love. We are in this with Him. First major discovery: we discover unless Jesus helps me love the unloveable I cannot do it. No chance. But He leads us through the process of “loving the unlovely” by our very own need. My feeling are so strong against the person. I freak out seeing him or her. With the ongoing pain in my heart looping through me because how I was sorely offended, I must move toward Jesus in a practical way. I need to press into Jesus, cry out loud to Jesus, articulate my hurt, complain to Jesus, empty myself on Jesus, give what is tearing me up inside to–Jesus.
When empty of the hurt and pain, then I can hear again. My heart is no longer boiling. When I can finally be calm and hear, Jesus speaks. When Jesus speaks there is the difference–peace, a lightness in our spirit, and forgiveness. Change. Our heart has been reset. Without that it is so hard to love someone who has hurt us. We must first start by moving closer to Jesus as an annoyed spouse, as a frustrated parent, as a disappointed friend, as a disrespected believer.
If I don’t verbally give my hurt and disappointment away to Jesus, I will carry my hurt, my anger, my frustration around to pass on to the next unsuspecting friend or believer. My hurt keeps spilling over onto someone else. I must get the hurt, the poison out of my heart. Jesus is the safest place for that. Get it out, empty my anger. Only He can take it away. Taking away my hurt and pain, He does much more.
He takes away all the horribly, potential bad behavior that is attached to my lingering offence. He saves me from what I will do and become. Putting love first–(not putting Self first) leads me to Jesus. That is what He expects us to do. To move close to Him because loving someone can be too challenging. In practically loving, in moving love from an theory into doing, in serving someone, in blessing someone, in giving something without expecting something in return, our faith in Jesus comes alive. We are changed by a Jesus encounter. Our faith is ignited to love.
Jesus sets the bar high and pronounces over and over again our need to love practically, because that will be the thing that shows us our utter need for Jesus. It is a high bar that He expects us to see, then to value, and with Him to jump—knowing that He will have to carry us over the bar. Unless He is in the middle of our conflict to love a troublesome relationship, we will not be able to overcome our personal offence.
“LOVE, LOVE, LOVE…”–Part 2
(for those that needed a break)
Two months ago, Kalyn and I were speaking to a married couple who had been married about 15 years. The husband said to us, in front of his wife, “I love this woman and I always will, but all we do every day is quarrel and fight. We are just so angry at each other and we try to hurt each other. We fight all of the time, but I love her.” Internal alarms were not going off. The church bells of Notre Dame were gonging with Quasimoto hanging on the rope.
This is where the top of my head just lifts off and spins. How do you love someone and then you hurt them over and over again? “Here, take this and don’t scream because I love you so much.” Really? Do we justify that hurting them is what they need? Again, we are a clever species. We use proper words to vent our anger. “I must be real.” “I must be authentic.” I must speak the truth.” While boiling. With a loss of self-control. Recipe for disaster.
So Papa Mike is having trouble with the use of Jesus language as a camouflage for angry, frustrated behavior. Probably because I have done it. When boiling, it is interesting in these cases no one ever says “I respect her,” or “I choose to think the best of him,” or “I esteem her better than myself,” or “I want his heart to be alive.” Those phrases begin to define the word “love.” And those phrases start to define Love in the way Jesus always defined it. Essentially, putting the other first.
In my quiet times over the past few months I have been seeing my own selfishness. After all of these years, there it is, crouching at the door, saying, “I am ready for action anytime, Big Boy. I am ready.” Selfishness has not been beaten down, or extinguished out of my life, just because I do missions. Self wants to be first, get the best of all the opportunities, win the argument, come out on top, or look better than the other. Self wants the glory—(all of the time). Our love, or lack of, is evident by our behavior in the troubled relationship. I cannot change the definition of “love” to fit my empty, misguided version of Self coming first.
Whenever Self insists on his way, my relationship with someone else becomes colored and cheapened. I am pushing for one-upmanship. Self insists. Self will get angry if he does not get his way. Self will have great excuses and justifications why he should have it his way. By letting Self push me forward, Self basically leaves Jesus out of the relationship. No room for Jesus when I am Full-of-Myself. With Jesus out of the way, all I have are empty words with no power.
Kalyn and I know. Because things get hard does not mean that Jesus disappears, or that He stopped being Lord. Everyone has marriage conflict. Everyone has family conflict. Everyone has conflict with employers, supervisors, neighbors, and colleagues. Everyone has conflicts with people in—of all places—in the church. Conflict means disagreement, being offended, having disappointment, feeling betrayed, persistent hurt, roiling anger, endless quarrelling. Conflict is suppose to agitate us to run to a passion-filled conversation with Jesus. That is where we belong before we step into any conflict.
Jesus is God. He knows. Jesus’ way of loving stretches all of us beyond our natural limits. Jesus knows. We will not experience the supernatural by living a natural life. If we love like Jesus tells us to, we will need Jesus in the middle of it. To rid ourselves of the unwanted stuff in our heart, and to get a fresh word, a new start, a reset in our heart, so as to finally love what used to be the unlovely. With Jesus’ love moving through us no one looks that unlovely anymore. We have new eyes.
Therefore, knowing what we know after all of these years: Expect disagreement. Expect conflict. Expect opposition. Expect misperception. Jesus will lead us and we will discover more of Him coming into our lives with a wealth of peace and wisdom. And what we learn from Him is life-changing, and a part of our treasure to give away to others.
